But first let’s talk about junk email.
Most days - andI’m talking 364 out of 365 - I can spot junk email from a mile away, but sometimes I have to look twice. A few weeks back, I got one from the Inland Revenue (are they still called that?) which is the tax office for all you overseas readers. It was quite convincing and said I could claim a certain sum (which in the real world, I believe I am actually owed by the tax office from cashing in a pension fund - it’s a long story) simply by clicking The Link. I looked at the email for a long time and decided it had a possibility of being real considering the sum of money mentioned was, as far as I could recall, more or less the exact amount I am owed.
Now, on an iPhone, if you long click a link, it will show you a preview where you will end up if you really click it (handy tip!) and it looked exactly like the gov.uk website and yet my spidey-sense was still tingling. I read the email again and in the last paragraph there was a sentence which should have slapped me around the face the first time I read it. It said: “You are just moments away from receiving your money.”
It was almost there you know, but as anybody who lives in the UK knows, the government don’t talk to you like that. If it said “click here to try and prise it from our cold, dead hands” then I would have believed it all. Intrigued as I was though, I clicked the link anyway because I could see there was other clicking to do before I got swindled out of my life savings.
The website was an exact replica of the gov.uk website - somebody had spent a lot of time on it but as with all things a little bit dodgy, the builders had not committed the whole nine yards! When you clicked the link to ‘read it in Welsh’, nothing happened. The weblink was far too convoluted to be real when I looked at that too, thus the world was saved, the Inland Revenue still have my money and nobody died.
I’m forever looking at these things because sometimes people I care about ask me about them and my answer is always the same: Yep, it’s a scam. It’s always a scam. It’s probably a scam even when it’s not and if it isn’t, there’s nothing so important in the whole world that a real person won’t ask you again later about or send a letter in the mail.
Then a few days ago, I got another - but this was a different kind of thing. This one was straight-up blackmail, the subject line was “you have been hacked” - let me cut and paste the whole thing for you here:
Hello pervert, I've sent this message from your iCloud mаil.
I want to inform you about a very bad situation for you. However, you can benefit from it, if you will act wisеly.
Have you heard of Pegasus? This is a spyware program that installs on computers and smartphones and allows hackers to monitor the activity of device owners. It provides access to your webcam, messengers, emails, call records, etc. It works well on Android, iOS, and Windows. I guess, you already figured out where I’m getting at.
It’s been a few months since I installed it on all your dеviсеs because you were not quite choosy about what links to click on the intеrnеt. During this period, I’ve learned about all aspects of your private life, but оnе is of special significance to me.
I’ve recorded many videos of you jerking off to highly controversial роrn videos. Given that the “questionable” genre is almost always the same, I can conclude that you have sick реrvеrsiоn.
I doubt you’d want your friends, family and co-workers to know about it. However, I can do it in a few clicks.
Every number in your contact Iist will suddenly receive these vidеоs – on WhatsApp, on Telegram, on Instagram, on Facebook, on email – everywhere. It is going to be a tsunami that will sweep away everything in its path, and first of all, your fоrmеr life.
Don’t think of yourself as an innocent victim. No one knows where your реrvеrsiоn might lead in the future, so consider this a kind of deserved рunishmеnt to stop you.
I’m some kind of God who sees everything. However, don’t panic. As we know, God is merciful and forgiving, and so do I. But my mеrсy is not free.
Transfer 1200 USD to my Litecoin (LTC) wallet:
[Note: I’ve removed the account number from this pasting = let’s press on with the rest of the mail:]
Once I receive confirmation of the transaction, I will реrmanently delete all videos compromising you, uninstаll Pegasus from all of your devices, and disappear from your life. You can be sure – my benefit is only money. Otherwise, I wouldn’t be writing to you, but destroy your life without a word in a second.
I’ll be notified when you open my email, and from that moment you have exactly 48 hours to send the money. If cryptocurrencies are unchartered waters for you, don’t worry, it’s very simple. Just google “crypto exchange” or "buy Litecoin" and then it will be no harder than buying some useless stuff on Amazon.
I strongly warn you against the following:
* Do not reply to this email. I've sent it from your iCloud mail.* Do not contact the police. I have access to all your dеviсеs, and as soon as I find out you ran to the cops, videos will be published.
* Don’t try to reset or destroy your dеviсеs. As I mentioned above: I’m monitoring all your activity, so you either agree to my terms or the vidеоs are рublished.
Also, don’t forget that cryptocurrencies are anonymous, so it’s impossible to identify me using the provided аddrеss.
Good luck, my perverted friend. I hope this is the last time we hear from each other.
And some friendly advice: from now on, don’t be so careless about your online security.
I read it many times and then thought… actually I don’t care. Who cares if you send videos of me to all my contacts! The truth of the matter is my perversion happens to be downloading pay per view events from New Japan Pro Wrestling and watching it sitting at the table in my pants with a mug of tea and the biggest Toblerone I can find. This may actually be even more disturbing than what’s claimed in the email, but the fact remains… it’s a good email and I’m lucky enough to have been around a while to know it’s not real - though nobody has called me for a while so... hmmmm.
To begin with, it has a lot of paragraphs, good punctuation and even some bullet points! Some of the facts are bang on the money too. Pegasus is a beast of a virus that does exactly what it says and while I was researching, it appears that run of the mill commercial virus scanners can’t find it or remove it - but you might want to do your own research on that if you’re concerned. It was developed by the Israeli’s, costs millions of dollars to purchase and is for sale only to renegade governments and corporate mercenaries. This guy must have some damn good connections - and yeah, I say ‘guy’ because nobody likes to think a woman is capable of sending such a thing out. That really is the end of the world.
The first sign that it’s a scam is that it didn’t actually come to me from my own address like it claimed (that would have been worrying!). Secondly, it doesn’t have the courage of its convictions because it names every operating system going and later, a fistful of social media platforms in the hope that you might be on one of them - I’m no heathen, but what the hell is Telegram?.
Secondly… do not run to the cops? I have access to all your devices? I could lay my hands on a secure device in one second pal. I could even drive to the police station in five minutes or just call my cop-pal Tony - but if I know Tony like I think I know Tony, he would go for the ‘send the videos option’.
I won’t go on, there’s a ton of holes in the email but I think it’s funny and it reminded me why I’m still an analogue kind of guy: Always go old school if you’re up to no good.
But… but, but, but, but, but…
What if you were 15 and had coincidentally been hanging out in porno labs online - because it happens - I can see how you might totally lose your mind (especially as no kid - nor many adults - has $1200 kicking about to throw out of the window) and consider your world to be over and take it to an extreme. Yeah… I’m talking harming yourself or worse - and I know it happens because I’ve heard at least two radio shows talking about this very thing.
Data is king and this is what it’s used for when you give it to people who can’t look after it properly.
I’m just throwing this out there for a few laughs at my expense and to raise your awareness if you happen to know of a kid in trouble, because it absolutely sounds like something you could get in a real twist about if you were young and foolish and received it out of the blue.
We were all young and foolish once, albeit without the internet to help us along.
Some of us still are.
Be careful out there.
Footnote: Please note, I will be addressing each and every one of you as Hello Pervert in any future correspondence.
It’s a sick world out there. The difference now is that the sickness comes into our living rooms, whereas we used to have to seek it out. If someone as internet-savvy as you can almost be fooled, time to be afraid, very afraid.
I had this exact email to my work account. Obviously knew it was rubbish. However a colleague of mine had been sacked a few years previously for running a porn empire alongside her job so who knows what would have happened had she received the email!
Plus, why do all photos of supposed hackers show guys in hoodies? Usually with some sort of red halo.